Bella Swan: Detective Extraordinaire
by Vampiggie
Summary: OMFG, MAJOR LEMONSS!111!1
1. Edward is a fairymonkey

Bella first decided that she wanted to become a detective when she saw the new Sherlock Holmes movie. She ran around parks pretending to solve mysteries, which usually involved her punching small children off of swings in slow motion. So, when Mike told her about the awesome mystery of destiny, Bella knew she was the only person in Forks with enough experience to find the serial rapist. She wrote down all the facts in her notebook, just like she saw on one of her favorite shows, Blues Clues.

"All victims are under ten years old, male, found with all the blood drained from their bodies, lying in a pool of seamen. All bodies have mysterious bite marks somewhere on their person." Yes, a mysterious case indeed! Bella couldn't think of what sort of weapon would leave bite marks and drain blood from a body. Thinking about a case with absolutely no leads is boring, so she decided to go to her boyfriend's house and visit his vampire family.

Bella, however, found her awesomely amazingly sexy sparkly omgahdz boyfriend in a sad mood. He played his piano dramatically in the living room, a sad tune, to subtly hint that he was… forlorn [striking emo Edward pose].

"Bella," he murmured because he was too stupid of a sparkly fairymonkey to talk normal, "Rosalie is moving out!" He struck another emo Edward pose.

Bella blinked. "Rosalie? Oh you mean the Blonde Bitch? Good for you!" Bella couldn't tell Edward's emo poses apart from his celebratory or happy poses because they all involved him staring sadly into the distance and being shiny.

"Bella, Rosalie is REALLY a nice person on the inside, and…" As Edward tried to defend an attractive blonde's personality (XDXD), Bella zoned out and imagined Edward singing Seventy-six Trombones. Bella knew better than Edward; Stephanie Meyer wouldn't be able to make a character realistic enough to be Secretly Nice. When Bella realized Edward was done ranting and was expecting a response, she asked him why Rosalie moved out.

"Well, she and Emmett had a, errr, fight…" Bella zoned out and imagined Bella and Emmett having a boxing match for the rest of Edward's rant. She got bored.

"Okay, can we just stroke each others' faces now and pretend we're having sex like a couple of good little mormons?"


	2. Alice touches me in special places

Bella decided to go talk to Alice since Edward was being boring by talking to her instead of gazing into her eyes and endorsing abstinence to all the twelve year olds reading this shit. Alice was always fun, which by Stephanie Meyer definition means that she had cool hair.

Bella threw open the door of Alice's room to discover Rosalie on top of Alice, spread out on the bed. Alice jumped up.

"Oh, hey Bella. Rosalie, uh, tripped." Rosalie started putting on clothes. "Uh, we were uh, changing clothes. 'cause, uh, Rosalie, wanted to uh…"

"Borrow your dress?" Bella finished. "Like Emmett did!" Awkward turtle moment. "But," Bella added, "I don't see why Emmett would want to borrow a dress, he never wears them." Rosalie started sobbing.

"You did it with Emmett too!?" she ran out of the room like a stupid blonde chick that nobody likes. My bad, typo. She ran out of the room since she WAS a stupid blonde chick that nobody likes.

"Man!" Bella glowered. "Is she afraid she'll get lice from Emmett if she wears the same dress? I knew she was a bitch! Plus, what's the big idea of licking someone you trip on? That is just not cool!" Alice sighed. "Was there a reason you wanted to see me, Bella?"

"Oh right! I am researching an awesome awesome mystery and I was wooondering if YOU did it!" Bella pointed her finger at THE PERPETRATOR!

"Why would you ask me?" Alice, well, asked.

"I dunno. Just figured I should ask people random, like in Clue." Bella liked to play board games with her stuffed animals.

"Well, for one, the victims were raped by a man." Bella gasped at Alice's brilliant deductions! "Because, there was seamen on the crime scene," Alice explained.

"I don't see your point. Women can own submarines too. What does rape mean?"

"It's when you have sex with someone without their persimmon."  
"Like when you touch me at night in the tingly places?"

"No, Bella. You ENJOY THAT."

"Oh. Okay!" Bella thought she hated it since she had all those nightmares about it. You never can trust your dreams, eh? "Hey, Alice, where's Jasper? I bet HEEE knows who the culprit is! He's smaht."

Alice frowned. "He's been going out a lot lately. I think he said he was going to an elementary school again."

"I wanted to ask Jasper about my super duper mystery. See, I was gonna ask him about the clues, 'cause I bet a smart dude like him would know why all the victims were around ten years old and found with all the blood drained from their bodies. But if he's hanging around an elementary school, I guess he's too busy to bother."

Bella thought about this one for a minute.

"WAIT A MINUTE! JASPER'S THE MURDERER!" She looked at Alice, afraid that she'd have to be silenced now that she KNEW.

Alice laughed. "Psssh. Whatevs. Everybody in this family is mah fuckin' bitch, and I mean that literally, the fuckin' and the bitch, 'cuz I like to put them in little doggie outfits sometimes."

Bella decided to stalk Jasper to the elementary school, since she didn't like spending too much time in the same room with Alice in case she got out a dildo. She watched him from across the street, through a telescope, because that's probably what Harriet the Spy did (Bella couldn't get the hang of reading books, so she liked to guess the plots from the covers). She wrote down everything Jasper did in a handy dandy notebook (Bluuues Cluuues).

"Jasper is standing near the playing children, filming them with a video camera. Now he is going up to one and opening his large trench coat. Now he's giving them little bags with a.. white… powder in them? Awww how since, he's giving them candy."

Bella walked home happy in the knowledge that Jasper was no child rapist. For once, she was right; nobody would be as stupid as to rape their own customers.


	3. Esme’s part time job

Bella wandered about the Cullen mansion, wondering if there were any other smart vampires that could help her with her super super mystery. Instead, she found Esme looking at a magazine filled with furniture. This was unsurprising. Bella looked up to Esme as a role model, since she never said anything important, or did anything special, except smile at everybody motherly and design houses. Yep, Esme was the perfect woman, and all girls reading this should grow up to want only to have many children and do what their husbands say, okay? Okay.

Anyway, Bella sat with Esme, looking through a shit ass boring magazine and saying things about how nice their hair looked, since that's all that women are good for. Okay, I lie, if they were doing that while having babies or menstruating, THEN they'd be doing all that women are good for (when Bella menstruated, Alice happened, and when menstruation and Alice happened, cunnilingus happened).

"I don't understand how you can afford all this, Esme!" Bella murmured, somehow with an exclamation point. "And don't say Alice predicts the stock market for you guys and shit, I know for a fact she uses her abilities to look up future porno."

Esme glanced around to make sure nobody was listening, ninja style (. . ) "Well, Bella, I have a part time job." She looked ashamed that a woman such as herself was being useful enough to have a job.

"But Esme!" Bella glowered, even though it didn't really make much sense, "That's progressive! How could you! What would we do if one of the readers of this crap series thinks they can grow up and accomplish things? It's against everything Mormon and delicious!" At this remark, Esme closed herself off and refused to speak anymore about her part time job.

So Bella decided to follow her to it.

Detective Style.

Oh yeah Bitches!

Bella followed Esme's car to Port Angeles. She did this by sitting on the back of the car, just like Sherlock Holmes did in _A Study in Scarlet_. The only reason Esme didn't notice Bella sitting on the trunk of the car is 'cause she's female. Esme left her car on a dark street, and walked around in a black coat looking like a murderer. Bella wrote this in her notebook.

"Esme left her car and walked around looking like a murderer." Bella thought about this for a minute. WAIT A MINUTE! ESME was the murderer! Of course! The least suspicious person being the dude, that was so classic! So Esme was a chick? Bella couldn't remember what Alice said about submarines, but it couldn't have been important. Bella ducked under the car as Esme walked to the trunk, and pulled out a large rectangular prism (Bella did her math like a good little girl).

Carrying her box thing, Esme walked up to an unsuspecting passerby, shanked the shitface, and dug around in the dude's body as he screamed, pulling out organs and putting them into her box, which let out a cool steam… It was a cooler, Bella realized! As Esme put a mysteriously kidney shaped shape into her cooler, she started laughing. "muah ha ha ha! Muahhh ha ha ha!1!1 MUAH HA HA HA AAAA!!!!1!1!one!!1111eleven!!"

Bella couldn't tell what Esme was doing, but obviously she was having lotsa funs. Bella knew ONE THING for sure: Esme was innocent of murder!


	4. BABIEZ IN T3H WALLZ

Once again, Bella found herself hanging out at the Cullens' since vamps are the coolest shit since Hot Topic, lyk, omagodz.

Carlisle was in a frantic mood when Bella walked in, running around pulling out his hair comically. Okay, he wasn't, but let's pretend he was, because it's the only way he could be made humorous, like, at all.

"Where have they gone?!" He murmured frantically. Of course, Bella had to ask what he was looking for.

"Nothing, uh, nothing…"

ANOTHER MYSTERY! What would Bella name it when Arthur Conan Doyle published it? _The Tale of Carlisle Looking For Stuff_. _T__he Search of Carlisle's Stuff_. They all had good rings to them.

But was the stuff? Bella thought of all the things that hadn't been around at the Cullen house lately. Shininess… check. Sparkliness… check. Murmuring.. check. But what had left the house lately?

"Of course!" Bella said out loud like an anime character. "Rosalie. He misses Rosalie. Maybe he wants to trade dresses with her!" Bella decided to go investigate Rosalie, DETECTIVE STYLE.

I could explain how Bella got Rosalie's new address; it involved chasing down Emmett, torturing him for information, discovering secret communist plots and saving the world nine times, plus a DEATH CANNON. However, I shall take a leaf out of my wonderful role model, Stephanie Meyer's book, and randomly skip interesting bits just because they would make my story, well, good.

Anyway, Bella approached Rosalie's new house, which was in the middle of the Serengeti, due to plot bits I skipped Stephanie Meyer style. It was a decrepit old building, falling apart from age and really stupid imagery that readers always skip over when they're trying to get to plot, which they never find anyway. It smelled bad, too.

"Roooosalie?" Bella knocked on the door, which fell out of its hinges in a cliché fashion. Feeling a great Sherlock Holmes vibe, Bella entered the creepy, horror movie style building.

The smell of rotting flesh and stinking shit permeated the house. Since Bella was unfamiliar with both smells, she thought to herself, "it's smells worse than Eddie's farts, omg!1!!1!" The walls about her creaked ominously. Wrecked bits of furniture were lying about the floor. She Inspected them Detective Style.

"This chair has been… eaten… by something…" That's when she heard the crunching.

She slowly walked around the house, trying to find the source of the faint noise, since it reminded her of Kitkat bars. After about two seconds of looking about, she leaned against the wall, tuckered out. That's when she heard it louder than ever before. That's when she knew what she hadta do.

She threw her leg into the wall as hard as she could. I say "threw" because she, being a female in a girly series, had never kicked anything before, not even cockaroaches (that's why females have boyfriends, not for sex; girls in girly series don't have vaginas, think Barbie).

The only reason she broke through the wall was that it was already deteriorating, chewed on by the creatures that spilled out of it. The babies seeped from the puncture in the wall like the blood from their wounds, splattering Bella as they struggled to continue eating each other even as they spilled onto the floor, covered in their own shit and blood, the sound of tens of babies' cries muffled through the flesh of another bloodied and masticating baby.

Amidst the confusion of piles of babies falling on top of Bella, a blood-curdling scream extended itself from the basement. A hand gripped her ankle and pulled her through the floorboards into hell.

Well, it wasn't technically hell, unless your definition of hell is, "A basement with a floor covered in dead babies, with another layer made up of hundreds of babies eating each other, and, when they see that you're covered in babyblood, eating you too." Bella screamed in agony as she was slowly eaten alive by hundreds of dead babies. Rosalie frantically tried to pull a pink toddler dress over her foot, shouting, "I CAN HAS BABIES. I CAN HAS MILLION BABIES. I CAN HAS MILLION BABY!"

That's when she heard the chopper.


	5. THE RESCOO

Jacob descended from the helicopter, shards of house flying everywhere; he shot his spearguns, nailing the babies to the walls with his harpoons, laughing as their blood splattered his face. When he ran out of ammo, he had nothing better to do, so he easily pulled Rosalie off of Bella and threw her into the chopper. "Emmett! Your ex-girlfriend is here!" he shouted. "We need more firepower!"

Emmett leaped onto the pile of dead babies, his teeth sparkling mad like a Trident commercial. At the sight of him with his shiny teeth and the two swords strapped to his handsome back, Rosalie started to speak—but was quickly silenced by his flamethrower. Emmett rocked back in forth with his laughter as the delicious scent of roasting babies filled the air, the sounds of his ex-girlfriend's cries of pain filling him with a sudden horniness; he embraced his lover, on top of the pile of flaming babies, and they made out passionately as thunder rolled overhead.


	6. The Future of Corporate Investment

"MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!" Esme cackled maliciously. She She examined her newest experiment on the surgery table; it was lit only by the soft glow of the lime test tubes all about the basement. She prodded her new creation with her rubber gloves. Success! Esme knew that she had gone where no one had gone before! She was a genius! "MUAHHHH HA HA HA oefhudrghfghdfgj." Esme laughed herself into a coughing fit.

Carlisle walked slowly down the basement steps, an expression of extreme horror on his face. He had found what he had been looking for. He hadn't moved when he had watched his wife slice open his, errr, business associate, and sew three human hearts into what was originally an ear. But when he saw the shadowy outline of that laughing vampire, he couldn't control his anger anymore. He walked slowly up to her back.

"YOU BITCH!" He grabbed her neck from behind, put her in a headlock, and screamed in her ear. "HOW COULD DO DO THIS?!" He gestured with his free arm at his other, uh, business associates that crowded the basement in cages. "HOW COULD YOU MUTILATE MY DONKEYS WITH HUMAN ORGANS?! WHYYY?!"

Esme, unable to escape, chuckled. "Oh, you stupid man. I used to be like you, and your donkey pimping; I thought that a good business was simply one with lots of customers. But I got bored of selling the organs I harvested to others. I realized that the most important thing in a business, really, is IMAGINATION! Donkey pimping is in the past, Carlisle! MUTILATED DONKEYS ARE THE FUTURE OF CORPORATE INVESTMENT!"

Carlisle shook his head at Esme, gazing at her with pity. "It isn't about money, Esme. You should treat donkeys with respect, and care, so you can use them in a business that gives them the space they need… like prostitution. Disfiguring them is just… SICK!"

With that last comment of disgust, Carlisle picked up his wife, headed upstairs, and shoved her in the fireplace. Edward joined in the festivities, cheering with Carlisle as Esme slowly burned to death. They had to cheer very loud over her screamin', eh?

Carlisle counted his family members on his fingers. "So… Esme died. Rosalie ran off to live in the Serengeti. Jacob picked up Emmett last week in that helicopter. I heard that the cops picked up Jasper for selling meth to midgets. Bella's off doing something stupid. I guess that leaves just us! What a week! We got no wimminz left, I guess we have to change Bella into a vampire or there's no slut to scrub the counters."

"You forgot about Alice," Edward interjected.

"Pshh. She's not fuckable. Unless you want my herpes again!"

"Shit, you're right. I think I gave her syphilis too. Oh, btw, I think those donkeys are still useable."

"Mmmmmhmmmmmm."


	7. the Moral of the Story

"I realized something, Edward," Bella said as she hugged the stupid emo shitface. "I learned a lot on that helicopter with Jacob and Emmett. We traveled the world, hunted velociraptors with bare fists, used crocodiles as water skiis, rode elephants through the Grand Canyon and feasted on the raw meat of sabre tooth tigers. I saw what life has to offer. That's why I want to marry you and have ten children, even if it kills me, and make you sandwiches, even if you don't eat them, and leave the house only to pick up the kids from daycare."

"What about your mystery that you were trying to solve?" Edward stroked her face and gazed into her eyes "romantically" because it makes the fangirls reading this crap stop and fap. (Yoyoyo, this is the Edward rap! He'z a gonna make all the twelve year olds read n' fap! So they buy this stupid series even though it's CRAP! Yeah, it's the best selling single about fan girl masturbation.)

"Oh, who cares about thinking about stuff?" Bella said airily. "That's what men do." Edward kissed her on the top of her head.

"Well, that's good Bella. I'm sure you won't mind, then, that I put a new batch of dead kids in your closet. I do like a good hour of necrophelia after some face stroking."


End file.
